poetic mumbles...

Logical sighs.

You climb that bridge, meet the peak with a welcomed sigh, only to be told there is a set of stairs. The voice tells you to force that smile, push down that sinking feeling and move, if you really want it, that is.

Pushing yourself to the top, stopping to look back and allowing a triumphant smile, you turn and see the mountain before you, feeling the irritation wash over you. The sigh escapes, shoulders slump, words are muttered then forgotten, before your oxygen is replenished, then you step forward.

All of those wretched bone crushing vices, on your ribs, your chest, it’s only there to keep you going. Chose the way, up or down. Move toward what you desire. Don’t give it up, don’t let that voice tell you that you’re not worth it. Quell that pathetic useless feeling that you receive everytime you chose to climb higher. Ignore it all.

A never ending ascent that is draining and questionable, but you push on towards that elation you know will reward you for your efforts. Squash thoses persistant questions and ignore the looks your logic is throwing at you. 

Logic doesn’t, nor will it play a part in this. This is the heart. The core. This is what makes you know that in the end, it will be worth it. 

Don’t forget.

Want.

The little spark of interest is now a fuelled hearth of flames, aglow with wanton need, a heat that spreads and consumes from within.  It has grown and engulfed me silently, hiding for I have not felt the extent the flames had licked and singed until now. I feel the fire raging and my need to stoke it becomes more apparent with each breathless moment that passes by.

I don’t recall a time, a moment that I felt the desire to which I am subjected to, occurring in my past. For if it had, surely I would recognise the tightness, the compression within my chest that appears in an instant, every time my mind wanders towards him?

My sense of balance has been thrown and is now leaning in his direction at all times, like a moth to a flame. He presents as a white hot blaze, the flare almost blinding to my tainted eyes. Everything that surrounds him being dulled by the glow he is emitting.

 I’m captivated by him, my fingertips begging to touch, to feel the reality, for fear that it may all be just a dream that I have invented.  A dream that would disappear in a cloud of ash if prodded and pushed, shattering my self imposed reassurance that love is an emotion that I can feel again. I fear that the flames will steal the air that is keeping me awake, alive and so euphoric.  

To feel my heart beating, ever so loudly has given rise to my permanent smile.  I want nothing more than to be enveloped within his arms, feeling the sultriness and riding the desire that travels between us in a constant arc of electricity. To ever think of removing myself from his presence causes a flush of ice through my body, a pledge that if I chose to depart, the flames will die, the fire will disperse and there will be nothing left but ashen memories of what could have been.

I want nothing more than to walk in the coals and feel his incandescence wash over me for an eternity and more.  

23 oct.

everything alternates between good and bad. 

the highs are there, but they are followed by the lows.

laughter and tears meld together in a haze that surrounds my fate.

the decision was made and executed, my life cut short and reborn into this.

elation, relief has nothing to mingle with. no doubts. no guilt. no regrets.

it was right. it is right. it will be alright.

scars, fears, pain. direction is there, seize it and run. take hold and embrace.

it will lead me to the warmth. heat that i crave, the surrounding aura.

it is coming to me, but i have to retrieve it. take that step. add some faith.

detours, misguided paths that halt my run. pass them by, ignore them all. 

take what you know. hold it. don’t let it go. 

it’s yours. believe in it and it will believe in you.

differentiate

In.

Two letters.

The difference between him and I

The difference between elation and torture

Can I hold on to it long enough to remember to try

Or will it slip away and be lost before I care?

My head throbs and my throat is dry

My heart is black and won’t exert the effort required.

I think I have given up.

I don’t want to know anymore and it’s

Become a chore to even pretend.

It’s gone. Now I ask, do I want it back?

Do I want to attempt to reign it in

And start from the onset and change?

Can I change enough or is it a pointless

Attempt to live this so called life?

I don’t care for anything anymore.

All that was important has gone and

The shell of existence left is enough to

Make my veins pump sand and grit.

I don’t care.

I have decided that the affliction is gone

And now I need to choose how I come

Through the other side. Do I stay or run?

My ears burn and bleed from the self-

Mutilation that I force upon them.

I have done this myself and it is my

Responsibility to lead it to its demise or reprise.

Now I must choose.

I need time.

Its creeping up and

Now it’s here.

What do I do?

Reasons behind the notions

Heated arguments that complain of sins

Of reasons behind the notions

Justifications and wrong doings only punctuating

The ever-growing difference of our lives.

What does the meaning hold when it is unknown

To others?

Do we continue on this path or do we turn,

Turning a circle or just about face and run from

The pain of the expectant face?

Worthless and needy, I feel like this is it.

I have no comeback and there is no way

That I will live the life I wanted, instead I am forced

Into the life I have. It is mine.

I am a sponge, and I don’t deserve the respect

That I am handed.

I should be grovelling and begging to be kept,

Instead of threatening with the razor’s edge.

Why did I do it? Why did I quarantine myself?

It is my fault, my cause to why I am here.

Here is where I must stay even if I try to break away.

Even if I want just a little piece for myself.

A lot of should haves form in the grey,

They continue into the sub conscious mind

Until it is all that consumes my brain and

Feeds me the poison that is my soul.

It has changed me and yet I feel that I’m still here

I’m still the same captive of this sentence

The pain and humiliation that I have lost

Myself rears again to remind me of who I am.

I am nobody.

I have no purpose.

I am somebody’s.

I am not me.

Swirling fields

Innocent kisses

What did go wrong?

With the heavy make out session.

How did it turn?

Why did it escalate?

Now he is waiting.

All that burns is not

Easily achieved,

Easily forgotten.

Tension is coursing through my muscles

Taking every ounce of restrain

Along for the ride.

Deep breathes.

It has gone on to swirling fields

Of love and lust within.

What did the petty mean?

Did we lose the hope?

And replace it with needs?

Where did the control disappear

At such short notice?

I am weak and he is overpowering.

It does no justice to build up

Of hopes, dreams and wants

As the needs take over.

And ruin forever the wanted desire

Of a life well lived and recognised.

It has gone.

Lost.

Hungry

Hungry for understanding and acceptance.

Guided by tremors and falls

Will this see-saw ride ever end?

I used to just even things out and

Brush over the sentiments that

Were once my inner peace.

Now I choose not to ignore the

Noise that creeps into my conscious.

It will break me down and burn me alive

Or it will give me a harden exterior

To hide behind all my doubts.

I will find my balance again.

I will find my self worth and value.

I will find me

I am me.

There is no one looking out for me but me.

You own yourself and no one else.

Deaf

The continual noise that assaults my mind is deafening.

It’s constant mauling of my ego is killing me with increasing intensity.

Why does he not stop this intrusion?

Do my protests mean nothing to him?

It almost seems like an obsession or compulsion if you will.

Does he not realise the increasing pressure is starting to

Blacken my senses and cloud my heart?

I scream and plead but it is in vain.

Deafness is the disease and ignorance it’s unwittingly symptom.

What is the cure?

Breathe

At the onset the blinders rained down upon the vibration of beat and hums.

The resounding of hearts defends the still of my oxygen.

I was one and yet I was in the surrounds.

I became a part of the whole entity.

Gone was the self.

Gone was the ego.

I was ensnared and wrapped in cocoon so tight that I forgot to breathe.

My air is thinning and my breath is shallow.

The pressure exuded on my chest leaves me gasping.

Where did my oxygen go?

I have been slowly squeezed dry of my soul purpose.

I have nothing.

I need something.

Traitorous feelings and shame suffocate me.

Why?

What is the point?

If for nothing, but were it for something I would know?

I would know how to advance.

I would know better.

How?

Tell me.

They knew

When did this all become so much of a drama?

My life used to be simple.

It was basic and it served the purpose.

Now it’s a major disruption to everyone.

But they don’t know it.

I’m just the ant on the footpath.

The one who lost it’s way and

Is now homeless. Alone.

No one realises it yet but

They are stepping over me.

They are sparing me but

Not knowing why they do so.

Why couldn’t it have been someone else?

Why should it be me that endures this?

I am convinced that it’s retribution for

A past that was lived in angst.

I don’t recall ever feeling this lonely.

I am relying on people who are

Absent and not entirely informed

To help me pull through this darkness.

I’m scared to say that there is no one else.

I have no faith and no trust and now no one.

I can feel the squeezing in my chest and know

That it won’t last forever.

It will eventually ease and I will be relieved.

Relieved that the crushing has gone.

That the choking I feel now will relent and

I shall breathe deeply.

This is not how it was suppose to be.

I was going to be successful.

I was going to be healthy.

I was going to be happy.

I am none of the above and as

A result I have failed.

I have failed miserably and I’m trying

To remedy this.

I want to succeed at life.

I want to smile and mean it.

I even want to be healthy so I can

Live to enjoy it all.

Inadvertent glances and gestures

Still alert me to the tension.

I am trying to be open to all

But I find I’m closing every door.

Not only am I closing them but

Now I’ve taken to locking them all

And sealing them air tight.

No one is allowed in there.

I won’t open those doors yet.

Not until the sun comes back out

And the burden of my ill informed

Grey matter is gone.

Tears blur my vision as the combination

Of sorrow and anger burns through my veins.

I am trying to get it out, to purge my fears.

I can’t hear anything but the outside. It hurts.

They don’t care that they stir.

My heart is stuttering and they carry on.

It’s draining. Very draining

I ache and I fear that it won’t end.

There are no walls and no partitions

To block the noise and invasion.

It assaults all of me and I scream

Until my voice breaks and departs.

I’m finished trying to be the perfect form.

I was never even close and now I think I’ll

Hate myself even more for failing.

I didn’t succeed. I didn’t think I would.

I really am not that surprised.

It was never for me

And I was never ready.

Even though I said I was.

I’m giving up on the whole idea

Now that I have determined my demise.

It was inevitable and no one was surprised.

They knew it was I.

They knew.

Once Again

Constricting my movements

And forcing the air to escape

I feel the familiar pain in my chest

As I attempt to refill my lungs.

It doesn’t change and the

Stranglehold that I feel is tightening

And burning me with such a raw

Force that I scream. I scream again.

It is all I can do and it is primal.

But I’m helpless and need to snap

The cycle of hurt and destruction

Before it becomes a habit.

Habits die hard and so does the life

That was once upon a time.

Before the habit was around

It was bearable. I could breathe.

Now I find myself hoping and

Praying for a little normalcy.

The eggshells are thinning out

And the hot coals are burning.

I can feel the end coming.

Perhaps it’s the beginning.

I can feel change.

Change is scary but welcome.

Change is necessary.

I will break through it all.

I will smile.

Again.

Ignorance

It’s the little things

The little carefree opinions that matter

They shape me and they prevent me

From the hurt that I want and need to inflict.

I ache from the pain and throbbing that

Threatens to envelope me in this darkness.

I feel like the compression is too high

And I want to alleviate the tightness in my chest.

They stop me from leaving the dread.

They mould me and they point me.

I am theirs and they will always be mine.

They are I and I am they.

Pasts are pressurising the defunct

And are taking with them the comfort.

What am I expected to do if there is

Nothing left to hold?

No one hears me.

Everyone is talking.

No one feels it except me.

They ignore it and I feel it. It is I.

Why does it always feel as though they

Are waiting for me to err.

They are just complacent with my

Mistakes and run with the euphoria.

It is expected and I know this.

Why else would I bother?

If I tried to present the other side,

To show me, I would be gone. It is I.

Numbing doesn’t help and the feeling

Just continues to grow.

I am at a loss, what should I do?

Don’t run, stay and face it. Strength will come.

Regather and regroup.

It will work and the little ones

Will hold fast and plead.

They will win me over. It is I.

It’s time to change the focus

And to shift to my inner conscience.

It is I. It always was.

I just ignored it.

The Point

The ultimatum was issued

I have given two weeks

It’s not an easy thing to do

But it was necessary.

Things need to change or else it’s

Wasted time on a project that is spent.

It has passed me by and now I must

Decide if it’s worth my attention or if it will wilt.

Outside influences are accountable to

A degree of satisfaction.

The hope and fantasy of what may be

Versus that there is.

What do I do?

Do I preserve and accommodate

Or do I leave in the hope

That the grass is greener.

I am in no shape to be

Dispersing decisions on a whim.

I need to focus and deliver a

Firm and judged decision.

In my present state I’m not able

I am inebriated and I know why.

I am numb at my own insistence.

Rest comes easy to me now.

I contemplate leaving to make

It more peaceful for those that

Are left behind but it is painful,

So painful that I relent.

The fear of the unknown for

Those who follow me

Prevents me from taking it

All away in an instant of madness.

I wait the dawning of reality

For it is the only thing that

Holds me to the foundations

That I have created for me.

I wish it would end but it

Just continues to mock my existence.

Why couldn’t he be him instead?

Of that one that causes me to question.

I have had the fill of this

Life of constant questions

And arrogance of the ruling.

I’ve given up.

I feel I deserve more

But hate to admit it

To anyone but myself

Whom I can be true to.

Why?

Why did it evolve to this?

Why do I want to dive deep?

And never surface for a breath?

Two weeks.

It’s all that is left.

If it isn’t fixed

It is irreparable to me.

Time will inform me of the outcome

I hope I’m here to hear it.

If not, I will await the decision

It will make or break.

Where?

Obligations are no longer necessary in this partnership

What do the proficient declarations mean to those who need?

Why do I long to scream and shout from the roof tops

My loyalty and dedication to this arrangement.

I shouldn’t have to.

I shouldn’t need to.

Interruptions spoil the feeling of freedom and ruin the outpouring of

My emotions trapped within this sorry excuse for a being.

I can hear my sub conscious explode from the ending and draw

Me back into the web of feeling and lies.

Why does it matter where I am?

How I am feeling?

What I want?

The ever-present voices that steer my actions and controls

The outcomes of confrontations are mimicking me.

They are jeering at me and I’m growing tired and oppressed by

Their words of condemnation.

Let me go and find me,

Be me and speak to those

Who knew me when I was

One of the people.

When I existed in myself

And I didn’t belong to anyone.

I was me and I was I.

I have left and now I wish

To return to the shell of the

Breath of air that I used to

Exist under.

The air that I inhaled and used

To expand my inner self.

I left, but now I return

And I need to be forceful.

I need to find the lifeline, the

Backbone that I held to give

Me the courage to exist.

Where am I?

Tears in the red matter

Salt water flows and kicks me

In the apex that is I.

It awakens my attention and

Forces me to see the once but

Now dilapidated shell in front of me.

Did it require the emotion that was

Displayed as a means of guilt?

Why did it need to be argued and

Debated on like the economy?

Nothing can be done,

Whatever is said is useless in the

Harmonious construction

Of the apparent warmth and love.

But freedom and peace is near

I can taste it.

It is all but within my grasp

And will only appear momentarily.

It won’t be for long

Savour the air and breath deep

For opportunities like this

Shall not be repeated or condoned again.

I will be free.

I will breathe.

I will cherish.

I will remember.

To be me.